Everyday, when I get off work, approximately 6:15pm, I see the same tall slender mexican boy. He's dressed from head to toe in mariachi attire, carrying an acoustic mariachi guitar under his arm, and walking down National Blvd. What is the universe trying to tell me?
My mom told me this morning to eat raisins when I'm on my period. Why? Because they're high in Iron, and I'm losing blood, therefore eating raisins will give me more energy. That whole thought process creeped me the fuck out. And I've found I'm not too fond of raisins.
American Apparel takes borderline pornographic photographs of "normal" girls. I went on their website the other day, and on the home page was a whole spread of a freakishly skinny ethnic girl, tits galore. The leggings didn't quite grab my attention to be honest.
I watched a special on global warming last night. It basically told me we're fucked, and there's nothing we can do unless we find a legitimate eco friendly way to produce energy. "We" being corporate america, who would willingly sacrafice our existance for a buck. And in 2035, we'll still be around to see the affects. I was left feeling extremely discouraged, but regardless I'm going to do my part.
Chelsea and I chanted "NO ON 8! NO ON 8!!" Past a group of Yes protesters on Saturday, along with some fuck you's and middle fingers. Yes a tad out of line, but those Christian homophobic Simi Vallians could use a good fuck you from time to time.
Halloween is just around the corner. I'm being Ultimate Warrior, and my boyfriend is being Macho Man Randy Savage. I'm so stoked.
With all that said, have a happy/safe/drunken halloween, vote no on 8, turn off your lights, americanapparel.net=boobs, blood, raisins, and mariachi bands.
jessie - outro. :)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
making friends.
since the skate park has been relevantly vacant these last couple of weeks, i've taken up making friends with the homeless people who hang around the park and drink all day. today, the toothless woman, the one who i think works at the homeless food drive and who has a 24 yr old daughter named chelsea, had cory give me this today.
"give it to her, she'll like it. all girls like chocolate"
obviously i took this as a sign that she wants to share her same toothless fate with me. i always love gum and teeth covering my chocolate.
"give it to her, she'll like it. all girls like chocolate"
obviously i took this as a sign that she wants to share her same toothless fate with me. i always love gum and teeth covering my chocolate.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
speechhhhhless (a first)
i've peaked. i easily had one of the coolest night of my life a couple days ago.
seriously.
WOW-sea Browntoffski.
seriously.
WOW-sea Browntoffski.
Monday, September 8, 2008
chat forums ("what really grinds my gears"--family guy)
so at one of the many jobs i have, i am supposed to sit at a small black desk next to computer technicians and answer inane phone calls concerning all sorts of electronics. Since my store is in a relatively rural location, it is not one of the most 'happenin' stores soo... a good portion of this job entails trying to find ways to avoid complete and utter boredom. One of the ways I alleviate this is to read a link on our Employee Login called "Watercooler". "Watercooler" is just a new fan-dangled way to say a chat forum for the whole company, worldwide. In "Watercooler", people discuss matters like "Increase Your Revenue!" or "Customer CARE--are you doing it right?". What I do in these forums is I read people's responses and give them negative or positive ratings according to the criterion "if I met them in real life, would i like them?" or if they automatically sound too into their job, I give them a negative rating to bring them off their corporate high horse. My favorite threads are "Unwanted Phone Calls: Rants and Horror Stories" and "Worst Movies Ever". I don't usually post but I happened to post in the "Worst Movies Ever" thread because after six pages, no one even mentioned "I Know Who Killed Me" (even though I love Lindsay Lohan to no end). Today I wanted to check out if anyone had replied to my comment because although lacking in originality or wit, it was a pretty great "worst movie" choice. After a couple of pages, I noticed people kept saying "Superbad" as a bad movie choice and I was contemplating giving them a negative rating or not. But one comment, without hesitation, got a negative comment from me. In the comment, the girl--Samantha--said, "And, I may be the only person, but I did not enjoy Superbad, it represents everything I dislike about my generation."
For me, for when someone can make a heavy implication like "this is what is wrong with my generation" they should be following that sentence with some well-prepared, valid arguments as to exactly why it is such. A comment like this pisses me off because 1)comments implying a societal problem without explanation usually means she is generalizing an idea to look more knowledgeable and 2)superbad is totally hilarious and is not made for people, like herself, who need media to tell her what exactly is substantially funny (read also: the same people who fund movies like “Epic Movie” or “Date Movie”) instead of having the intelligence to understand that normalcy IS funny .
Well, Samantha, what is YOUR generation’s problem? Heck, why not call it OUR generation because it is mine as well. Samantha, what is OUR generation’s problem? Is it that boys in OUR generation talk about getting laid and accessing alcohol whilst dealing with the awkwardness that comes with adolescence in high school? Is it that women were objectified in degrading yet humorous terms throughout the movie setting us back from those hundred years of suffrage fighting and independence? Or is it that you so closely identified with the kids in this movie that you projected against it in order to make yourself feel like less of an ignoramus? Hit a nerve, did i.
Well, Samantha, let me tell you what is wrong with OUR generation. What’s wrong with OUR generation, Dear Samantha, is us. Instead of fighting immediate issues like health care or racism (which is still heavily prevalent in our society), we find our rebellion in white powders and medication drugs and binge drinking for no other reason but to “get fucked up.” And you, Samantha darling, are the worst kind. You are a hypocrite, supposedly hating the young adult world you so comfortably live in, meanwhile blogging on a CORPORATE chat forum clearly out stepping your job description and obviously, your range of knowledge, without actually taking action or giving any reason as to why you dislike OUR generation SOO much. What is wrong with OUR generation, Samantha, is you and people like you who complain about everything that is “wrong” and “unfair” and something you don't "like" but don't actually DO anything. You all who are not willing to change your lifestyles to alleviate whatever problem you have--rather you just sit there like a secret internet fatty, blogging for attention on a chat forum by complaining. You are a tool, Samantha, and next time the forum asks you a simple question like what kind of cereal you like to eat on Sundays or whatever—you better just stick to some simple answer instead of try to look hip and alternative by throwing in some pseudo intellectual one-liner.
If you can’t tell, it was a really slow day at work. I almost posted this back but in all honesty, she’s not even worth it. Plus, I can’t even imagine how many negative ratings I would get and then I would never be able to post a simple answer again—something I look forward to doing on rare occasions. Whatever.
negative nan-sea brown.
edit. 9/9/08 11:04am "because I'm still not over it"
[10:57] wavesmileREPEAT: i hate when people generalize a generation. especially ours.
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: we have a lot to live up to and what we don't need is someone our age being negative about us
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: then that means there is no room for change
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: then that means that we don't believe in ourselves
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: and I think that's more bleak than the 90 mins that was superbad
For me, for when someone can make a heavy implication like "this is what is wrong with my generation" they should be following that sentence with some well-prepared, valid arguments as to exactly why it is such. A comment like this pisses me off because 1)comments implying a societal problem without explanation usually means she is generalizing an idea to look more knowledgeable and 2)superbad is totally hilarious and is not made for people, like herself, who need media to tell her what exactly is substantially funny (read also: the same people who fund movies like “Epic Movie” or “Date Movie”) instead of having the intelligence to understand that normalcy IS funny .
Well, Samantha, what is YOUR generation’s problem? Heck, why not call it OUR generation because it is mine as well. Samantha, what is OUR generation’s problem? Is it that boys in OUR generation talk about getting laid and accessing alcohol whilst dealing with the awkwardness that comes with adolescence in high school? Is it that women were objectified in degrading yet humorous terms throughout the movie setting us back from those hundred years of suffrage fighting and independence? Or is it that you so closely identified with the kids in this movie that you projected against it in order to make yourself feel like less of an ignoramus? Hit a nerve, did i.
Well, Samantha, let me tell you what is wrong with OUR generation. What’s wrong with OUR generation, Dear Samantha, is us. Instead of fighting immediate issues like health care or racism (which is still heavily prevalent in our society), we find our rebellion in white powders and medication drugs and binge drinking for no other reason but to “get fucked up.” And you, Samantha darling, are the worst kind. You are a hypocrite, supposedly hating the young adult world you so comfortably live in, meanwhile blogging on a CORPORATE chat forum clearly out stepping your job description and obviously, your range of knowledge, without actually taking action or giving any reason as to why you dislike OUR generation SOO much. What is wrong with OUR generation, Samantha, is you and people like you who complain about everything that is “wrong” and “unfair” and something you don't "like" but don't actually DO anything. You all who are not willing to change your lifestyles to alleviate whatever problem you have--rather you just sit there like a secret internet fatty, blogging for attention on a chat forum by complaining. You are a tool, Samantha, and next time the forum asks you a simple question like what kind of cereal you like to eat on Sundays or whatever—you better just stick to some simple answer instead of try to look hip and alternative by throwing in some pseudo intellectual one-liner.
If you can’t tell, it was a really slow day at work. I almost posted this back but in all honesty, she’s not even worth it. Plus, I can’t even imagine how many negative ratings I would get and then I would never be able to post a simple answer again—something I look forward to doing on rare occasions. Whatever.
negative nan-sea brown.
edit. 9/9/08 11:04am "because I'm still not over it"
[10:57] wavesmileREPEAT: i hate when people generalize a generation. especially ours.
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: we have a lot to live up to and what we don't need is someone our age being negative about us
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: then that means there is no room for change
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: then that means that we don't believe in ourselves
[10:59] wavesmileREPEAT: and I think that's more bleak than the 90 mins that was superbad
Friday, September 5, 2008
10 things that are very, very devastating (concurrently).
10) Old Nickelodeon game shows. I can’t tell you how many times I could have won legend of the hidden temple or took home just a little piece of the crag. But it was a) in florida and b) NEVER looking for contestants. I always felt like they paid kid actors to come on the show because no one, I mean no one, I ever met had made it anywhere near getting close to getting on the show.
9) Sarah Palin. Ugh. I know what you’re thinking. But I really have to go there. She is anti-feminist and homophobic and she’s GORGEOUS. It really is a waste, isn’t it? Such a stupid, good looking woman. I was half-expecting this Jermaine Greer predecessor, ready to put McClain in his place. Unfortunately, that's not the case. But good for her for being that attractive at her age.
8) Choke being made into a movie. Sam Rockwell? Come on. Just watch the trailer: . Chuck Palahnuik should be fucking pissed.
7) Zach Braff. If you saw Garden State and loved it (and mostly because of Mr. Braff), I’ll save you the heartbreak and tell you not to watch the show “Punk’d.” To let you know, briefly, as to what happened Asston Kutcher thought would be really great to pay some actor kid to spray paint a car that looked like Zach Braff’s and then when Zach returned to his “car”, pretend that he didn’t do anything. When Zach actually did come out, all he did was cuss at this little boy and say things like, “do you know who I am?!” It was then I realized that Zach Braff will never be the emotionally stunted boy who wanted to start feeling everything and thought that the shins were great. He will never be as funny or sweet or jaded with all the money and women he accumulates. He most definitely will never ever be the boy who just wants to feel love. All of this recognized in this ridiculous three minute gag. Thanks Asstan for ruining my life.
6) My bike. My bike would be really cool for an eight year old. I feel like with my bike I have to peddle a whole lot harder than everybody else therefore making me breathe hard and sweat and look more out of shape than I actually am. Now I live like… two seconds away from school and could easily—very easily—ride my bike to school but I refuse to. I am out of shape, and this I embrace, but I would rather run to school in a sports bra and booty shorts than be forced to push my bike up the hill that is my school because my bike can’t take the uphill velocity.
5) Sunday nights. I live in a town where every night is a party, Monday= Karaoke and beer pong, Tuesday=Two for one drinks, $1 tacos, Wednesday=pint night, Thurs-Sat=freakin weekend ignition remix. Except for Sunday. Sunday means you can go to a bar called Mothers and drink (or on a Sunday, drinking is called 'alcoholism' or 'blasphemy') and watch old, weathered male and females sing melodramatic 80s songs while trying to recapture some vague sense of youth by being out on the town passed 11’o clock. Sunday nights are extremely...devastating. sigh.
onto number 4)New Cartoons. what happened to ren and stimpy? rocko's modern life? rugrats? justice league? even blue's clues was a gem to the generation following us. but now, there are creepy interactive multi-lingual shows like Dora the Explora or Go! Diego! go!(funny, ironical title isn't it?). and let's start out by saying that i am not in opposition to integration (in fact, i'm all about integration
) I am in opposition to the feeling that need to push education into children as early as possible. american kid cartoons force feed education as vigorously as we force feed food into an anorexic. tell me this, what is education without social skills? without common sense? You're right. a serial killer.
3)Snapple Facts. (collaboration with sydney hollingsworth) i, like my fellow family friends and acquaintances, all trusted the little nugget of information provided on the back of those lids. Then snapple broke our hopes and dreams.
2)Sk8ter Bois. why are you boys so ridiculously sexy and pretty much the coolest boys in the entire world? date me. all of you.
And finally. The most devastating of the bunch…
1) The cancellation of Veronica Mars. If you’re questioning this last statement, then you have quite obviously not watched the show and do not understand brilliance when it is laid out right in front of you. Veronica Mars was a collage of mystery, suspense, romance, and comedy. Kristen Bell was so charming and cute and smart and all of this totally won me over which is extremely hard to do, for a girl, leading me to reconsider my sexuality for a good three weeks. Then there was Logan Echolls, played by Jason Dohring, the sexiest, rich, bad boy antagonist and how his relationship with Veronica always kept the audience on their edge of their beige corduroy couches. Plus that bald guy from Just Shoot Me was on it and he was hilarious. Veronica, are you going to stay with Fizz or go back to Logan? Logan forever! Who is going to win sheriff, Keith or
the other guy? Will Wallace ever find true love? Is Rob Thomas the actual matchbox 20 rob thomas or like 'i am a man and my happens to be rob thomas identical to the singer of the band matchbox twenty'?
i am in perpetual limbo with veronica mars. they should have known it was going to be canceled! they should have tied the ties. they should have sent fiz away and let logan and veronica be together like they were supposed to be.
i hate television.
10thingsihateaboutchelseabrown
9) Sarah Palin. Ugh. I know what you’re thinking. But I really have to go there. She is anti-feminist and homophobic and she’s GORGEOUS. It really is a waste, isn’t it? Such a stupid, good looking woman. I was half-expecting this Jermaine Greer predecessor, ready to put McClain in his place. Unfortunately, that's not the case. But good for her for being that attractive at her age.
8) Choke being made into a movie. Sam Rockwell? Come on. Just watch the trailer: . Chuck Palahnuik should be fucking pissed.
7) Zach Braff. If you saw Garden State and loved it (and mostly because of Mr. Braff), I’ll save you the heartbreak and tell you not to watch the show “Punk’d.” To let you know, briefly, as to what happened Asston Kutcher thought would be really great to pay some actor kid to spray paint a car that looked like Zach Braff’s and then when Zach returned to his “car”, pretend that he didn’t do anything. When Zach actually did come out, all he did was cuss at this little boy and say things like, “do you know who I am?!” It was then I realized that Zach Braff will never be the emotionally stunted boy who wanted to start feeling everything and thought that the shins were great. He will never be as funny or sweet or jaded with all the money and women he accumulates. He most definitely will never ever be the boy who just wants to feel love. All of this recognized in this ridiculous three minute gag. Thanks Asstan for ruining my life.
6) My bike. My bike would be really cool for an eight year old. I feel like with my bike I have to peddle a whole lot harder than everybody else therefore making me breathe hard and sweat and look more out of shape than I actually am. Now I live like… two seconds away from school and could easily—very easily—ride my bike to school but I refuse to. I am out of shape, and this I embrace, but I would rather run to school in a sports bra and booty shorts than be forced to push my bike up the hill that is my school because my bike can’t take the uphill velocity.
5) Sunday nights. I live in a town where every night is a party, Monday= Karaoke and beer pong, Tuesday=Two for one drinks, $1 tacos, Wednesday=pint night, Thurs-Sat=freakin weekend ignition remix. Except for Sunday. Sunday means you can go to a bar called Mothers and drink (or on a Sunday, drinking is called 'alcoholism' or 'blasphemy') and watch old, weathered male and females sing melodramatic 80s songs while trying to recapture some vague sense of youth by being out on the town passed 11’o clock. Sunday nights are extremely...devastating. sigh.
onto number 4)New Cartoons. what happened to ren and stimpy? rocko's modern life? rugrats? justice league? even blue's clues was a gem to the generation following us. but now, there are creepy interactive multi-lingual shows like Dora the Explora or Go! Diego! go!(funny, ironical title isn't it?). and let's start out by saying that i am not in opposition to integration (in fact, i'm all about integration
) I am in opposition to the feeling that need to push education into children as early as possible. american kid cartoons force feed education as vigorously as we force feed food into an anorexic. tell me this, what is education without social skills? without common sense? You're right. a serial killer.3)Snapple Facts. (collaboration with sydney hollingsworth) i, like my fellow family friends and acquaintances, all trusted the little nugget of information provided on the back of those lids. Then snapple broke our hopes and dreams.
2)Sk8ter Bois. why are you boys so ridiculously sexy and pretty much the coolest boys in the entire world? date me. all of you.
And finally. The most devastating of the bunch…
1) The cancellation of Veronica Mars. If you’re questioning this last statement, then you have quite obviously not watched the show and do not understand brilliance when it is laid out right in front of you. Veronica Mars was a collage of mystery, suspense, romance, and comedy. Kristen Bell was so charming and cute and smart and all of this totally won me over which is extremely hard to do, for a girl, leading me to reconsider my sexuality for a good three weeks. Then there was Logan Echolls, played by Jason Dohring, the sexiest, rich, bad boy antagonist and how his relationship with Veronica always kept the audience on their edge of their beige corduroy couches. Plus that bald guy from Just Shoot Me was on it and he was hilarious. Veronica, are you going to stay with Fizz or go back to Logan? Logan forever! Who is going to win sheriff, Keith or
the other guy? Will Wallace ever find true love? Is Rob Thomas the actual matchbox 20 rob thomas or like 'i am a man and my happens to be rob thomas identical to the singer of the band matchbox twenty'?
i am in perpetual limbo with veronica mars. they should have known it was going to be canceled! they should have tied the ties. they should have sent fiz away and let logan and veronica be together like they were supposed to be.
i hate television.
10thingsihateaboutchelseabrown
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
if only boys would do to me what they do to chelsea brown.
pacing outside of the courthouse friday morning at jury duty, i was confronted by two very pleasant men. douche bag number one was a chubby joe pesci type wearing a beigh suit jacket, bare tattooed skin underneath. his little side kick (not so little) trailed shortly behind him with what looked like wine bottle corks in his ear lobes.
me (talking on the phone)
two gentlemen simultaneously puckering/licking/biting lips: ooohhhh my gawwwddddd. daaamn. mmmmmmm. did you see that? shiiiiiiiiit.
that's the best i could make out. i forced myself to look anywhere but at them while they forcefully ripped my clothes off with their eyes.
later that same day as i crossed the street in downtown culver city, two fairly attractive boys pulled up to the red light on their bicycles. i've taken an interest in bicycles lately, so i took a little peek at what they were pedaling. cyclist number one made a cute little beep beep sound with his mouth, and then proceeded to ask me if i'd like a ride.
romance is in the air.
me (talking on the phone)
two gentlemen simultaneously puckering/licking/biting lips: ooohhhh my gawwwddddd. daaamn. mmmmmmm. did you see that? shiiiiiiiiit.
that's the best i could make out. i forced myself to look anywhere but at them while they forcefully ripped my clothes off with their eyes.
later that same day as i crossed the street in downtown culver city, two fairly attractive boys pulled up to the red light on their bicycles. i've taken an interest in bicycles lately, so i took a little peek at what they were pedaling. cyclist number one made a cute little beep beep sound with his mouth, and then proceeded to ask me if i'd like a ride.
romance is in the air.
Friday, August 29, 2008
fat woman on a motorbike.
on my way to work an hour and 10mins ago, i saw a portly woman in a small helmet bouncing along on a small red motorbike. I thought for a second that this has to be a joke. this is straight out of ebaums world. shit like this doesn't happen in real life. it does though and i didn't even have a camera.
fail-sea brown
fail-sea brown
love in the time of chlamydia.
my mom thinks i have high standards.
in life, generally, but more specifically for my men. por ejemplo, we were just talking about Guy A who happened to manufacture some interest in me and I made some remark that he was a Philosophy major or something... and she said--i quote--"You really have no room to talk considering you're a Theatre major... in an agriculture and engineering school." Thank you, mother.
I, of course, respond to this to put her in her place. it's not that i am not smart or talented enough to do any other major, it's the fact that i chose to do theatre--not that it was the only thing i am eligible to do. Guy A didn't have a choice. He was an idiot. He wanted to go to a school with blonde, rich, food-deprived babymakers and the only way he could get in would be to take an obscure major. hence... philosophy.
I don't think I have high standards. I think i have... standards. Even sub-par standards. I don't want an idiot.
At my work there are a plethora of idiots. A cornucopia of morons. and most of the time these people are just over the phone. I've decided that it takes a real tool to screw up a 2 minute phone conversation. I guess that's what you get for being one of the only girls working in an electronic store. a normal day on the phone goes as follows:
me: welcome to ____, how can I help you?
boy: yeah, can you give me the electronics department?
me: (long pause)yes.
boy: is this the electronics department?
me: (shorter pause)yes.
boy: oh, good. would you guys return my xbox360?
me: What's wrong with it?
boy: Well, I took it apart and now it doesn't work.
me: (long pause again)no.
then i usually hang up.
(Another thing that is totally misleading about boys over the phone because GUARANTEED if a guy sounds like a babe on the phone, he is NOT cute in person. you try it. Guarantee.)
someone once said that you attract the kind of person that you are. besides using one of the most inane self-motivational quotes of all time, that person (who shall remain nameless) was also totally full of shit.
somehow, i always end up dating or nearly dating someone who is 1) unemployed, 2) not in school or 3) a wake-and-baker (and i don't mean of the foodnetwork kind). as you may or may not know, i don't fit into any of those categories. vegans, musicians, artists--listen up now. I eat meat. I like to listen to Rihanna. and chances are my art or knowledge of art is nothing short of unimpressive.
Last night was pretty sweet on Mary Murphy's Hot Tamale scale. I bum a cigarette from this psuedo cute boy and when i ask him for a light, he says, 'i don't have one. that's why i gave you one! what are you good for?' I, of course, see this as a challenge and decide I will not fail this unremarkable boy and go on my mission. after a few minutes, i find a light and present it to him. I am a gem, i tell him. he says--no, quotes--"you have such a luscious....assss." ha! that is the first time i ever gotten that compliment. to let you know, i do not have a luscious rump but the fact that someone thought so--well hot damn. that's great. he then also to lick his lips and mumble off some other great assets i have. we then decided we were done with this boy. but really, the highlight of my night is when I walked up the stairs to the bar and at the top step--a cute boy took my face in his hands kissed both cheeks then looked me in the eyes and said, "you are beautiful." i don't get many nights like this. and it's nights like this that makes me like boys again. so unpredictable and sweet and sleazy.
so whatever. in conclusion. i am not stuck up. i don't have high standards. i just want...a person with a few good lines. some... long-term plans. some wit. and a job.
really. it's not that hard.
chelsea 'big booty' brown
in life, generally, but more specifically for my men. por ejemplo, we were just talking about Guy A who happened to manufacture some interest in me and I made some remark that he was a Philosophy major or something... and she said--i quote--"You really have no room to talk considering you're a Theatre major... in an agriculture and engineering school." Thank you, mother.
I, of course, respond to this to put her in her place. it's not that i am not smart or talented enough to do any other major, it's the fact that i chose to do theatre--not that it was the only thing i am eligible to do. Guy A didn't have a choice. He was an idiot. He wanted to go to a school with blonde, rich, food-deprived babymakers and the only way he could get in would be to take an obscure major. hence... philosophy.
I don't think I have high standards. I think i have... standards. Even sub-par standards. I don't want an idiot.
At my work there are a plethora of idiots. A cornucopia of morons. and most of the time these people are just over the phone. I've decided that it takes a real tool to screw up a 2 minute phone conversation. I guess that's what you get for being one of the only girls working in an electronic store. a normal day on the phone goes as follows:
me: welcome to ____, how can I help you?
boy: yeah, can you give me the electronics department?
me: (long pause)yes.
boy: is this the electronics department?
me: (shorter pause)yes.
boy: oh, good. would you guys return my xbox360?
me: What's wrong with it?
boy: Well, I took it apart and now it doesn't work.
me: (long pause again)no.
then i usually hang up.
(Another thing that is totally misleading about boys over the phone because GUARANTEED if a guy sounds like a babe on the phone, he is NOT cute in person. you try it. Guarantee.)
someone once said that you attract the kind of person that you are. besides using one of the most inane self-motivational quotes of all time, that person (who shall remain nameless) was also totally full of shit.
somehow, i always end up dating or nearly dating someone who is 1) unemployed, 2) not in school or 3) a wake-and-baker (and i don't mean of the foodnetwork kind). as you may or may not know, i don't fit into any of those categories. vegans, musicians, artists--listen up now. I eat meat. I like to listen to Rihanna. and chances are my art or knowledge of art is nothing short of unimpressive.
Last night was pretty sweet on Mary Murphy's Hot Tamale scale. I bum a cigarette from this psuedo cute boy and when i ask him for a light, he says, 'i don't have one. that's why i gave you one! what are you good for?' I, of course, see this as a challenge and decide I will not fail this unremarkable boy and go on my mission. after a few minutes, i find a light and present it to him. I am a gem, i tell him. he says--no, quotes--"you have such a luscious....assss." ha! that is the first time i ever gotten that compliment. to let you know, i do not have a luscious rump but the fact that someone thought so--well hot damn. that's great. he then also to lick his lips and mumble off some other great assets i have. we then decided we were done with this boy. but really, the highlight of my night is when I walked up the stairs to the bar and at the top step--a cute boy took my face in his hands kissed both cheeks then looked me in the eyes and said, "you are beautiful." i don't get many nights like this. and it's nights like this that makes me like boys again. so unpredictable and sweet and sleazy.
so whatever. in conclusion. i am not stuck up. i don't have high standards. i just want...a person with a few good lines. some... long-term plans. some wit. and a job.
really. it's not that hard.
chelsea 'big booty' brown
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
invasion of the panty snatchers.
sunday afternoon errands lead to my mother and i doing some unnecessary shopping at the local ross. as i browse the cheap underwear department, i find this adorable pair of turquoise lacy booty shorts. i was extra stoked to see they were only 99 cents. So i take my little handful of panties, and head towards the dressing room to try on the few bras i picked out (on account of my petite boob size, my selection was rather dim). The dressing room attendant tells me for the sake of thievery (and for the sake i don't try them on) that she needs to hold the underwear up there. Being of the trusting kind, I comply.
after i'm done, I walk towards the dressing room attendant, bras in tow, so excited to see these absolutely sexy lacy booty shorts that I had--by chance--happened to stumble upon (side note: it really is a steal to find 99 cent underwear at ross that doesn't have any moth holes or skid marks). When i drop off the unneeded items to her, i notice that my adorable, cheap, what-a-steal underwear are...gasp...missing. I ask the attendant, "Excuse me, but...uhh.. where are my underwear? You know the cute ones? Only 99 cents. I'd left them with you and you said you would hold them for me forever and ever and for only me and now they are gone. WTF." You know what that bitch said. She said "I don't know, they must have been picked up for Go-backs. I'm really sorry maybe they were put back in the section (obligatory smile)" I hated her. In fact, I still hate her. She made me put my trust in her, and she blew it. I should have just stolen the underwear.
despite my ardor for the stupid piece of shit attendant, i still needed to find my panties. I didn't want to accept that my panties had simply been whisked off into the oblivion that is the cheap underwear department. No, someone had stolen this golden artifact. someone out there knew the value of those cute little lacy panties and I was going to find out who it was.
i start to make my way back over to the underwear section to try and find another pair--or, THE THIEF WHO TOOK THEM, when--lo! and behold! i see a woman holding the same pair i'd just, regrettably, left with that idiot attendant.
Me: "excuse me, but did you happen to find those over by the dressing room?"
Pantysnatcher: (cold, foreign) "no. i find them right here."
NO SHE DIDN'T. but...i give her the benefit of the doubt and i proceed to browse for another pair muttering under my breath, "man doesn't look like there's any more.. too bad people are rude and steal other peoples underwear." i give up and walk off. I am totally pissed.
i was legitimately excited about buying THAT SPECIFIC pair of underwear. I imagined it under pants I had, and dresses and like, wearing them to bed, as a surprise to my boyfriend--"look, new underwear! so exciting!". I get downstairs and try to look for a few more things I need. but i can't.
i can't get over the fact that this woman would steal my underwear, and then not even have the DECENCY to admit that she had stolen my wonderfully priced panties when i confronted her. so I did what any person would have done in an hour of desperation, i headed back up the stairs and was going to talk things out with this evil beast. she's still browsing with my chonies in hand. i abruptly look through the underwear beside her with undeniable adrenaline growing in my loins. finally it forces words out of my mouth.
Me - "are you sure you didn't find those at the dressing room?"
Panty Snatcher - (dirty look) "i find them right here."
Me - "well i went into the dressing room and when i came out they were gone. and there's not another pair, so why don't you just hand them over"
Panty Snatcher - "they not yours, i find them right here."
Me- "have you ever heard of human decency? you're seriously that rude of a person you can't just give them to me?"
Panty Snatcher - "they not yours"
Me - "ha. yes they are. i was intending to buy them, and you took them."
Panty Snatcher - "they not yours. i find them right here."
Me - "you're lying to me."
Panty Snatcher - "you have no proof!"
Me - (lying) "well i asked the women at the dressing room where they went and she said someone came by and took them."
guilt stricken, she continues looking through the underwear, with the intent to replace the pair she stole from me. after the 4th pair of XXXL grannie panties she attempts to sell me, i just laugh at her stupid attempts, and we continue the dispute. the only thing the bitch can say is, "i find them right here. they not yours."
by this point we are in close enough proximity, i make the executive decision to just take them out of her hand, like she took them out of my section in the dressing room. she shakes her head and says, "don't do that." and holds on tight. i continue to tell her how rude and indecent she is, and strengthen my grip on the panties, "You are a rude and indecent woman!" "for what? " she says to me. like I'm going to pay her or something for this fuckin pair of 99 cent underwear. at this point i really lose my shit. i just can't let her win. i laugh and say, "for human decency. you're a disgrace to the human race. look, you're married. you don't even need cute underwear."
in an attempt to ignore me, she squats down to look at the bottom row, and slightly looses her grip. i give a good yank, and unhook her last finger holding on to them. i storm off as she lets out a sigh of failure. i went straight to the checkout line, bought my shit, and got the hell out of there. my mom was happy to see i found another pair.
yes i am aware that a majority of the things that were said to that woman, would most definitely describe me, considering she did indeed find them where she said. but that was the risk i was willing to take. i apologize if i was in fact the one doing the panty snatching.
Jessie Snatching.
after i'm done, I walk towards the dressing room attendant, bras in tow, so excited to see these absolutely sexy lacy booty shorts that I had--by chance--happened to stumble upon (side note: it really is a steal to find 99 cent underwear at ross that doesn't have any moth holes or skid marks). When i drop off the unneeded items to her, i notice that my adorable, cheap, what-a-steal underwear are...gasp...missing. I ask the attendant, "Excuse me, but...uhh.. where are my underwear? You know the cute ones? Only 99 cents. I'd left them with you and you said you would hold them for me forever and ever and for only me and now they are gone. WTF." You know what that bitch said. She said "I don't know, they must have been picked up for Go-backs. I'm really sorry maybe they were put back in the section (obligatory smile)" I hated her. In fact, I still hate her. She made me put my trust in her, and she blew it. I should have just stolen the underwear.
despite my ardor for the stupid piece of shit attendant, i still needed to find my panties. I didn't want to accept that my panties had simply been whisked off into the oblivion that is the cheap underwear department. No, someone had stolen this golden artifact. someone out there knew the value of those cute little lacy panties and I was going to find out who it was.
i start to make my way back over to the underwear section to try and find another pair--or, THE THIEF WHO TOOK THEM, when--lo! and behold! i see a woman holding the same pair i'd just, regrettably, left with that idiot attendant.
Me: "excuse me, but did you happen to find those over by the dressing room?"
Pantysnatcher: (cold, foreign) "no. i find them right here."
NO SHE DIDN'T. but...i give her the benefit of the doubt and i proceed to browse for another pair muttering under my breath, "man doesn't look like there's any more.. too bad people are rude and steal other peoples underwear." i give up and walk off. I am totally pissed.
i was legitimately excited about buying THAT SPECIFIC pair of underwear. I imagined it under pants I had, and dresses and like, wearing them to bed, as a surprise to my boyfriend--"look, new underwear! so exciting!". I get downstairs and try to look for a few more things I need. but i can't.
i can't get over the fact that this woman would steal my underwear, and then not even have the DECENCY to admit that she had stolen my wonderfully priced panties when i confronted her. so I did what any person would have done in an hour of desperation, i headed back up the stairs and was going to talk things out with this evil beast. she's still browsing with my chonies in hand. i abruptly look through the underwear beside her with undeniable adrenaline growing in my loins. finally it forces words out of my mouth.
Me - "are you sure you didn't find those at the dressing room?"
Panty Snatcher - (dirty look) "i find them right here."
Me - "well i went into the dressing room and when i came out they were gone. and there's not another pair, so why don't you just hand them over"
Panty Snatcher - "they not yours, i find them right here."
Me- "have you ever heard of human decency? you're seriously that rude of a person you can't just give them to me?"
Panty Snatcher - "they not yours"
Me - "ha. yes they are. i was intending to buy them, and you took them."
Panty Snatcher - "they not yours. i find them right here."
Me - "you're lying to me."
Panty Snatcher - "you have no proof!"
Me - (lying) "well i asked the women at the dressing room where they went and she said someone came by and took them."
guilt stricken, she continues looking through the underwear, with the intent to replace the pair she stole from me. after the 4th pair of XXXL grannie panties she attempts to sell me, i just laugh at her stupid attempts, and we continue the dispute. the only thing the bitch can say is, "i find them right here. they not yours."
by this point we are in close enough proximity, i make the executive decision to just take them out of her hand, like she took them out of my section in the dressing room. she shakes her head and says, "don't do that." and holds on tight. i continue to tell her how rude and indecent she is, and strengthen my grip on the panties, "You are a rude and indecent woman!" "for what? " she says to me. like I'm going to pay her or something for this fuckin pair of 99 cent underwear. at this point i really lose my shit. i just can't let her win. i laugh and say, "for human decency. you're a disgrace to the human race. look, you're married. you don't even need cute underwear."
in an attempt to ignore me, she squats down to look at the bottom row, and slightly looses her grip. i give a good yank, and unhook her last finger holding on to them. i storm off as she lets out a sigh of failure. i went straight to the checkout line, bought my shit, and got the hell out of there. my mom was happy to see i found another pair.
yes i am aware that a majority of the things that were said to that woman, would most definitely describe me, considering she did indeed find them where she said. but that was the risk i was willing to take. i apologize if i was in fact the one doing the panty snatching.
Jessie Snatching.
it's just better if you swallow.
Back in high school, Jessie and I were cheerleaders (don't jump to conclusions just yet). But to tell you the truth, I don't regret it. In fact, if I weren't a cheerleader I wouldn't have acquired the amazing stories that I have now forever in emblazoned into my brain. For example, when Mena* said she shit her pants in seventh grade and then looked at all of us like we used to shit our pants until seventh grade too. Or when Mena said that when she was eight, she got her hamster wet and decided the quickest way to dry him was to put him in the microwave. Or the time when Mena didn't know what the "Bush-chen-AY" stickers were all about. Without cheer leading, I would not have met Mena and Mena, quite obviously, was a gem.
For the same reason I liked cheerleading, I have accepted the fact that I will perpetually endure awkward situations because I choose they make better stories.
Therefore this is bad for me, and good for you.
So this is mine (chelsea b) and jessie's homage to those awkward moments that everyday life serves up for us slash good stories we are able to have the honor to be involved in.
Enjoy.
chelsea chunga.
*because changing the names makes the work seem "mysterious". it's not though. If you ever have been around me, I have told you the girl's name and you probably know her or drank with her or got your hair done by her.
For the same reason I liked cheerleading, I have accepted the fact that I will perpetually endure awkward situations because I choose they make better stories.
Therefore this is bad for me, and good for you.
So this is mine (chelsea b) and jessie's homage to those awkward moments that everyday life serves up for us slash good stories we are able to have the honor to be involved in.
Enjoy.
chelsea chunga.
*because changing the names makes the work seem "mysterious". it's not though. If you ever have been around me, I have told you the girl's name and you probably know her or drank with her or got your hair done by her.
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